Adult Children of Alcoholics: Navigating the Path to Healing and Self-Discovery
Growing up as the child of an alcoholic parent can leave deep emotional scars. As adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs), individuals often carry with them the weight of emotional struggles, identity issues, and challenges in forming healthy relationships that began in childhood. These experiences can affect their emotional well-being, decision-making, and how they interact with others as adults.
The good news is that while the effects of growing up in an alcoholic household are far-reaching, there is hope. Healing is possible, and the first step is recognizing and understanding how past experiences continue to shape our present lives. In this post, we will delve into the challenges faced by adult children of alcoholics, the impact of an alcoholic upbringing, and the personalized paths to healing that can help you regain control of your life and relationships.
What It Means to Be an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACoA)
Being an adult child of an alcoholic is not just about living with a parent who struggles with alcohol addiction. It’s about growing up in a home filled with unpredictability, emotional volatility, and often, a lack of emotional support or security. Children in these environments frequently experience emotional neglect, confusion, and a sense of isolation, which can deeply influence their psychological development.
The experience of being an adult child of an alcoholic is personal and unique to each individual, but it often leaves a common thread: feelings of shame, guilt, or confusion about one’s own worth and place in the world. As children, many ACOAs develop coping mechanisms that are designed to protect them from emotional pain, but these mechanisms can become ingrained patterns that persist well into adulthood.
Adult children of alcoholics often find themselves struggling with issues related to self-esteem, trust, codependency, and the ability to form healthy, balanced relationships. It can be difficult to understand how these behaviors and patterns came to be, but recognizing them is the first step in taking control of your healing journey.
Common Traits and Behaviors in Adult Children of Alcoholics
The experience of growing up in an alcoholic household can create lasting emotional and psychological effects. Adult children of alcoholics often develop behaviors or traits as coping mechanisms to manage the uncertainty, fear, and emotional neglect they experienced. These patterns can carry over into adulthood and impact relationships, self-worth, and mental health.
Here are some of the common traits and behaviors that may appear in adult children of alcoholics:
1. Difficulty Trusting Others
Trust is one of the most difficult things for adult children of alcoholics to build. Growing up with a parent who was unreliable due to alcohol abuse leads to a lack of trust in others. As children, they may have witnessed their parent’s erratic behavior, such as broken promises, lies, or unpredictable moods, which can make it hard for ACOAs to believe that others can be dependable or trustworthy.
This mistrust often extends to relationships in adulthood. ACOAs may find themselves constantly second-guessing others’ motives or struggling to believe that their partners, friends, or coworkers have their best interests at heart.
2. Struggles with Self-Esteem
Children raised in alcoholic homes often internalize feelings of inadequacy, believing they are somehow responsible for their parent’s behavior. As adults, ACOAs frequently struggle with low self-esteem and a sense of unworthiness, thinking that they are not "good enough" for love, respect, or success. These feelings of shame may lead to perfectionistic tendencies, as they constantly feel the need to prove their worth.
It’s important to recognize that these feelings are not inherent truths but patterns shaped by the chaotic environment they grew up in. Healing involves reshaping these beliefs and learning to accept and value oneself for who they truly are.
3. Difficulty with Boundaries
Growing up in an alcoholic household often means that boundaries—whether emotional, physical, or psychological—are unclear or violated. ACOAs may not have learned how to establish or respect healthy boundaries because they were never modeled in childhood.
As adults, ACOAs may struggle with either becoming too passive and allowing others to overstep their boundaries or becoming overly rigid, making it difficult to connect with others in meaningful ways. Learning how to establish and maintain healthy boundaries is a critical part of healing.
4. People-Pleasing and Codependency
Adult children of alcoholics often develop people-pleasing behaviors as a way to keep the peace in a chaotic household. By focusing on meeting the needs of others, they hope to avoid the emotional turbulence that comes from disapproval or conflict. Over time, this tendency to please others can develop into codependency, where their self-worth is dependent on taking care of others at the expense of their own needs.
ACOAs may feel responsible for others’ happiness and well-being, often neglecting their own emotional needs in the process. This can lead to emotional exhaustion and a sense of resentment, as the individual’s own needs and desires are consistently overlooked.
5. Fear of Abandonment
A common fear for adult children of alcoholics is the fear of abandonment. Growing up in an unstable household, where a parent may be emotionally unavailable or physically absent due to alcohol abuse, leaves ACOAs with a heightened fear of being left alone. This fear can make it difficult to establish intimate, trusting relationships, and may result in staying in unhealthy relationships just to avoid the feeling of abandonment.
6. Emotional Reactivity
The unpredictability of an alcoholic home often means that emotions run high and can change rapidly. As a result, ACOAs may develop an exaggerated emotional response to situations. For example, they might become overly anxious when things aren’t going perfectly or react impulsively to perceived threats in relationships, out of fear that something will "go wrong."
These heightened emotional reactions can lead to difficulties in regulating emotions and can negatively affect relationships, especially when they aren’t able to communicate or cope with their emotions effectively.
The Long-Term Impact of Growing Up in an Alcoholic Home
The effects of growing up in an alcoholic home can last long into adulthood. Many adult children of alcoholics struggle with relationships, emotional regulation, and their own mental health because of the unresolved trauma from their childhood experiences. Some of the long-term effects of being an ACoA include:
1. Unresolved Trauma
Many adult children of alcoholics carry unresolved trauma from their childhood. This trauma can manifest as anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and it can affect their ability to trust others and feel safe in the world.
The healing process involves acknowledging the pain, validating the experience, and finding healthy ways to process and release that trauma.
2. Difficulty in Adult Relationships
Because ACOAs have often learned unhealthy relationship patterns from their alcoholic parents, they may struggle to form healthy, balanced relationships as adults. They may find themselves in dysfunctional relationships, repeating patterns they learned in childhood. Whether it’s choosing partners with substance abuse problems or engaging in codependent behavior, ACOAs may unknowingly recreate the emotional chaos of their upbringing.
3. Increased Risk of Addiction and Mental Health Issues
Growing up in an alcoholic home puts individuals at a higher risk for developing substance abuse problems themselves. Additionally, ACOAs are at a higher risk for mental health issues, such as anxiety, depression, and eating disorders, due to the unresolved trauma and emotional neglect they experienced.
Healing from the Effects of Growing Up with an Alcoholic Parent
While the effects of being an adult child of an alcoholic are significant, they are not insurmountable. Healing involves recognizing the ways that childhood experiences shaped your emotional responses and developing new, healthier ways to engage with the world.
Here are some steps to begin the healing process:
1. Acknowledge and Validate Your Experience
The first step toward healing is acknowledging the impact that your childhood experiences have had on your life. Recognizing that your upbringing has shaped your behavior, emotions, and relationships is the first step in reclaiming your life and your power.
2. Seek Personalized Therapy and Support
Therapy can be incredibly beneficial for adult children of alcoholics. Working with a therapist who specializes in codependency and trauma recovery can help you explore and process the emotional scars from your past. Personalized therapy is key, as each individual’s journey is unique, and a tailored approach will provide the support you need to heal at your own pace.
In addition to therapy, support groups such as Al-Anon can provide valuable community support from others who understand your experience and can offer guidance and camaraderie.
3. Learn Healthy Boundaries
Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is crucial for adult children of alcoholics. Therapy can help you learn how to set boundaries in relationships, assert your needs, and stop people-pleasing behaviors. Healthy boundaries allow you to protect your emotional well-being while also fostering healthier, more balanced relationships.
4. Develop Emotional Regulation Skills
Learning how to regulate your emotions is essential for healing. Techniques such as mindfulness, breathing exercises, and meditation can help you manage emotional reactivity and develop greater emotional stability. Adult children of alcoholics often benefit from learning how to identify and process their emotions in a healthy way.
5. Rebuild Your Self-Worth
As a child of an alcoholic, you may have internalized feelings of inadequacy and shame. Healing involves reframing these beliefs and learning to accept and love yourself for who you are. Self-compassion, affirmations, and activities that promote self-esteem can help rebuild your sense of worth.
Conclusion: Moving Forward as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
Healing from the effects of growing up as an adult child of an alcoholic is a journey that takes time, patience, and personalized care. It is not a process that happens overnight, but with the right support, you can break free from old patterns, rediscover your authentic self, and build healthier relationships.
If you’re ready to explore your path to healing, I encourage you to reach out. Therapy can help you uncover the roots of your struggles and begin the work of healing, growth, and empowerment. You deserve to live a life that is free from the emotional baggage of your past and to create the fulfilling, healthy relationships you deserve.
Katie is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Georgia. She provides in person therapy at her Marietta office and provides virtual sessions for the entire state of Georgia. She enjoys helping people learn how to love others well while still honoring their own personal needs. If you are interested in treatment for Codependency then call or email Katie today!
Disclaimer: This is in no way a replacement for a therapeutic relationship or mental health services. This is for educational purposes only and should be in used only in conjunction in working with a licensed mental health professional. If you would like help working towards a healthy dependence in your relationships I can help. Click here to schedule an appointment.
Understanding Codependency: Signs, Causes, and Healing Paths
What is Codependency?
Codependency is a complex and often misunderstood psychological condition that affects many individuals, deeply influencing their relationships and sense of self. Whether it's in intimate partnerships, family dynamics, or friendships, codependency can create a cycle where one person has an over-reliance on another for emotional support, validation, and a sense of purpose. In this post, we will explore the signs and symptoms of codependency, the underlying causes, and, most importantly, ways to heal and reclaim your personal well-being through personalized therapy for codependency.
At its core, codependency refers to a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person tends to prioritize the needs of others over their own, often to their detriment. This may manifest as excessive caregiving, people-pleasing behaviors, or the inability to set healthy boundaries. The emotional dependence on others to feel valued or secure is a hallmark of codependency, leading individuals to experience a loss of their sense of self.
In a codependent relationship, both individuals can become entangled in a cycle where one person’s needs are met at the expense of the other, often leaving both partners feeling drained, misunderstood, or resentful. This dynamic is commonly found in relationships involving addiction, abuse, or unresolved trauma, but it can exist in any type of relationship where there is an imbalance of emotional or psychological needs.
In some cases, the codependent partner may be so focused on caring for the other person that they neglect their own well-being, sacrificing their own needs and desires to maintain the relationship. Over time, this can lead to burnout, resentment, and a deep sense of dissatisfaction.
Signs and Symptoms of Codependency
Recognizing codependency can be challenging, especially when the behavior is ingrained over time. Individuals often don’t realize that their actions and emotions are being driven by a need to please others or maintain the relationship at all costs. Here are some common codependency symptoms to be aware of:
Difficulty Saying No: Individuals with codependency often struggle to set boundaries and say no to others. They may feel guilty or fearful of disappointing someone, even if it means sacrificing their own needs. This can result in a cycle where they feel overburdened and overwhelmed but continue to prioritize others.
People-Pleasing: A strong need to please others, sometimes at the expense of personal happiness or well-being, is a central characteristic of codependency. The fear of conflict or rejection often drives people-pleasing behavior. For example, a codependent person might take on extra work at the office or at home, even when they are already overwhelmed, just to avoid the discomfort of disappointing someone else.
Low Self-Esteem: Codependents often have a diminished sense of self-worth. They may feel like they don’t deserve to be loved or valued unless they are fulfilling the needs of others. This can manifest in situations where they feel like they are "only worthy" when they are caring for or helping someone else.
Caretaking: Over-caring for others is a common feature of codependency. This often goes beyond healthy nurturing and crosses into self-sacrifice, where the individual neglects their own needs for the sake of another person. A codependent person might, for example, neglect their own health or hobbies to care for a loved one who refuses to take responsibility for themselves.
Fear of Abandonment: A deep fear of being abandoned or rejected may lead codependents to tolerate unhealthy behaviors from others in an effort to keep the relationship intact. For instance, someone might stay in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship because they fear being alone or unloved.
Trouble Expressing Emotions: People with codependency may struggle to express their own emotions and needs clearly. Instead, they may focus on the emotions and needs of others, often neglecting their own. This can make it difficult to create a relationship that is based on mutual understanding and emotional exchange.
Relationship Enmeshment: A tendency to become overly involved or enmeshed in the problems or emotions of another person, often to the point of losing personal identity or independence. A codependent partner may find themselves unable to make decisions or set their own goals without considering the other person’s needs first.
Avoidance of Conflict: Many people with codependency avoid conflict at all costs, often agreeing with others or suppressing their own feelings to avoid tension or confrontation. This avoidance can lead to passive-aggressive behaviors or repressed emotions, which can be detrimental in the long run.
The Causes of Codependency
Understanding the origins of codependency can be key to healing. Codependency doesn’t develop overnight—it's often the result of learned behavior or experiences, especially during childhood. Here are some potential causes:
Family Dynamics: Codependency frequently develops in families where there are issues like addiction, neglect, or emotional dysfunction. A child raised in an environment where their emotional needs were neglected or where the focus was on another family member’s needs may grow up believing their worth is tied to helping or pleasing others. These individuals might learn that love and validation are earned through caretaking and self-sacrifice.
Trauma and Abuse: Individuals who have experienced physical, emotional, or sexual abuse may develop codependent tendencies as a survival mechanism. The trauma can lead to a distorted sense of self-worth and the need to gain validation or love by caring for others. For example, a person who was neglected or abused in childhood might internalize the belief that they must always "fix" others in order to be loved.
Unhealthy Role Models: Growing up in an environment where unhealthy relationships are modeled, such as one where one person is constantly sacrificing themselves for the other, can influence a person’s understanding of what a healthy relationship looks like. This can set the foundation for codependent behavior later in life. Children of codependent parents may unconsciously adopt these behaviors, continuing the cycle into adulthood.
Cultural and Societal Norms: In some cultures or families, there may be an emphasis on selflessness and the expectation that individuals should put the needs of others above their own. This can contribute to the development of codependent tendencies, particularly in women, who are often socialized to prioritize relationships and caregiving.
The Impact of Codependency on Relationships
Codependency can take a significant toll on relationships. While it may initially feel like a form of closeness or deep connection, over time, it often leads to feelings of exhaustion, resentment, and emotional burnout. Some common ways codependency impacts relationships include:
Imbalance of Power: In a codependent relationship, one partner may feel more like a caretaker or rescuer, while the other may feel helpless or reliant on the other for emotional support. This can create an unhealthy power dynamic, where one person feels responsible for the other’s emotions or well-being. Over time, the relationship becomes unbalanced and unsustainable.
Emotional Burnout: Constantly prioritizing the needs of others can lead to emotional exhaustion. Codependents often feel drained, unable to recharge because they are always focused on meeting someone else’s needs. This lack of emotional replenishment leads to burnout, which can affect both the individual and the relationship.
Loss of Identity: When a person’s self-worth is wrapped up in the ability to please or take care of someone else, they can lose touch with their own identity and needs. This loss of self can make it difficult to build meaningful, healthy connections with others. A codependent person might not even recognize their own desires or goals because they are so focused on fulfilling someone else’s needs.
Resentment and Conflict: Although conflict is avoided in a codependent relationship, resentment often builds over time. The caretaker may begin to feel unappreciated, and the dependent partner may feel criticized or controlled. This can lead to passive-aggressive behaviors and unresolved tensions that make it difficult to maintain a healthy relationship.
Healing from Codependency: A Personalized Approach
The journey to healing from codependency requires patience, self-compassion, and a commitment to personal growth. Codependency therapy provides a safe space to explore the roots of codependent behaviors and develop healthier ways to interact with others. Here are several paths to healing:
Building Healthy Boundaries: One of the first steps in healing from codependency is learning how to set and maintain healthy boundaries. This involves recognizing your own needs and asserting them in a clear and respectful way, while also respecting the boundaries of others. Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable at first, but it is essential to protect your emotional well-being and cultivate healthier relationships.
Improving Self-Esteem: Healing from codependency involves building a healthier sense of self-worth. Therapy can help you identify negative self-beliefs and work on cultivating self-love and acceptance, independent of your role in others' lives. Strengthening your self-esteem allows you to feel more grounded in your own identity, rather than relying on others for validation.
Developing Emotional Independence: Learning to rely on your own emotional resources rather than seeking validation from others is key to healing. Personalized therapy for codependency can help you explore your emotional world, understand your triggers, and develop coping strategies that don’t involve sacrificing your own needs. By developing emotional independence, you can create healthier relationships where both partners are supported without one becoming overwhelmed.
Processing Past Trauma: For many people, codependency is linked to past trauma, such as childhood neglect or abuse. Addressing and healing from past wounds through therapy can help you break free from unhealthy relational patterns and create healthier connections in the future. Healing trauma is often a key part of overcoming codependency, as it allows individuals to rebuild their sense of self and emotional security.
Enhancing Communication Skills: Healthy relationships require open, honest communication. Therapy for codependency can help you improve your ability to express your thoughts and feelings clearly and respectfully, fostering healthier connections with others. Developing strong communication skills also helps you assert your needs without guilt or fear of rejection.
Practicing Self-Care: Prioritizing your own well-being is an important part of healing. Engaging in regular self-care practices, whether through physical exercise, creative expression, or relaxation techniques, can help you reconnect with yourself and restore emotional balance. Self-care can also include regular check-ins with yourself to ensure your needs are being met, rather than constantly focusing on others.
Conclusion: Reclaiming Your Life from Codependency
Codependency is a deeply ingrained behavior pattern, but it is not an insurmountable challenge. With the right support, you can learn to break free from codependent cycles and build healthier, more balanced relationships. By focusing on healing the emotional wounds that fuel codependency and embracing a personalized therapeutic approach, you can rediscover your sense of self-worth and begin to live a life that is authentically your own.
If you're ready to explore how codependency therapy can support you on this journey, I encourage you to reach out for a consultation. Together, we can work on a tailored plan to help you heal, grow, and create the fulfilling relationships you deserve.
Katie is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Georgia. She provides in person therapy at her Marietta office and provides virtual sessions for the entire state of Georgia. She enjoys helping people learn how to love others well while still honoring their own personal needs. If you are interested in treatment for Codependency then call or email Katie today!
Disclaimer: This is in no way a replacement for a therapeutic relationship or mental health services. This is for educational purposes only and should be in used only in conjunction in working with a licensed mental health professional. If you would like help working towards a healthy dependence in your relationships I can help. Click here to schedule an appointment.
Adult Children of Alcoholics
Child of an Alcoholic
Approximately 1 in 5 adults grew up with an alcoholic parent. That means when you’re at work, the grocery store, your kid’s school, church, or cheering on your favorite sports team in the stands you are surrounded by your fellow Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOAs). Thousands of people in YOUR community are looking for answers on how to cope with problems in their lives that are rooted in having been raised in an alcoholic home.
There are currently over 2,000 support group meetings run around the world for people who identify as Adult Children of Alcoholics. That means that MILLIONS of people are actively looking for answers, support, and healing from their personal experiences of growing up in a home with an alcoholic parent.
. The majority of those meetings (1,933 to be exact) are in the United States.
So how did all these people find each other before Instagram and Facebook?
It all started with a guy named “Tony A.” in 1978. He wrote out a list of 14 common characteristics that he and others around him closely related to as Adult Children of Alcoholics. It is known as the “The Laundry List.”
Read the list below and see how many you relate to.
The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
We became addicted to excitement.
We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
Got your number? Whether it is 2, 7, or 12 there is good news and there is a solution!
Much like the model of Alcoholics Anonymous, ACOA has its own literature, workbooks, 12 Steps, and support groups as I mentioned above.
In my therapy practice, it is super common for me to hear from people that the idea of attending a support group or 12 Step meeting is NOT appealing to them. Sitting in a room full of strangers and talking about your childhood trauma? “ No Thank You” they say. Actual responses usually include more colorful language. =)
Honestly, I get it. When you grow up in a dysfunctional family system it is very common to learn to believe that you can’t trust people. You can’t trust “outsiders” (Read: Anyone living outside of the dysfunction.) Someone outside of the dysfunction might betray you or bring shame on you or a family member. They might not have your best interest in mind, and even though you know you also can’t technically trust the family system, you can at least try to protect yourself.
This is where I can help. If sitting in a room full of strangers isn’t something you’re ready for then that is okay! It is okay to find a different starting place. The most important choice you will make about this is to choose to not go through it alone anymore. You don’t have to start by opening up to 20 people, you can start by opening up to 1. Isolation is a killer of hope and healing. Don’t let yourself be its victim.
Take back some power by starting with individual therapy. Start with the easiest part and get on my calendar for a free 15 minute phone consultation. Do that here. I’ll give you an outline of how I approach therapy sessions so you can know exactly what to expect and I’ll answer any additional questions you have.
I don’t know where Tony A. is these days ( with the anonymity of The 12 Steps and what not…) but i’m thankful to him for putting into words what millions of people have personally experienced and as a result feel seen, heard, and validated in many ways for the first time.
About Katie Luman, LPC
Katie is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Georgia. She provides in person therapy at her Marietta office and provides virtual sessions for the entire state of Georgia. She enjoys helping people learn how to love others well while still honoring their own personal needs. If you are interested in treatment for Codependency then call or email Katie today!
Disclaimer: This is in no way a replacement for a therapeutic relationship or mental health services. This is for educational purposes only and should be in used only in conjunction in working with a licensed mental health professional. If you would like help working towards a healthy dependence in your relationships I can help. Click here to schedule an appointment.
Is Codependency Really a Toxic Myth in Addiction Recovery?
Is Codependency really a toxic myth in addiction recovery?
The dangers of people pleasing or codependency are legitimate.
I stumbled across a New York Times article titled, “Codependency is a Toxic Myth in Addiction Recovery.” My jaw almost hit the floor. I was shocked to hear what appeared to be a strong opposing view on a subject I’ve had so much first hand experience with. Not just a difference of opinion but challenging its entire existence.
The publication is an opinion piece. A piece that could easily cause alarm to those who have either known or wondered that their people pleasing tendencies are actually traits of codependency. The dangers of people pleasing or codependency are in fact legitimate. The years I spent working in residential treatment and centers for detox from substance abuse confirmed that. I’ve sat across from countless family members and close friends of a loved with addiction seeking professional guidance on what to do next to try and salvage the relationship.
Is My Relationship Toxic?
People have been given distorted information on codependency, either in favor of or against it.
Reading the article reminded me of how high emotions can run when people are scared of losing a loved one to addiction, completely at their wits end after trying everything from rational reasoning, to threats of cutting off all types of support. All the while, hurting and scared out of their minds about the realization of their own powerlessness over their loved one’s addiction. If you and I were in a counseling session right now this is where I’d pause ask you to take a couple deep breaths and then check in with me about how you’re feeling.
The more I read, the more concerned I felt about the potential damage of the claim that “Codependency is a Toxic Myth in Addiction Recovery.” Like so many areas of life, I don’t believe one can accurately define a relationship dynamic in such an absolute and polarizing statement.
I understand that as humans we desire the path of least resistance. Make it simple and easy for me! Unfortunately, we know this isn’t in line with reality and addiction only further complicates things.
Let me say it here now, No one can ultimately know what will work best for your life and your relationships but you. Therapy is meant to help bring insight, new perspective, and education in some instances but the objective is never to tell you how to live your life.
That being said, to use examples of a family losing a loved one to a drug over dose because they were told they are codependent and tried to have boundaries is a wildly incomplete story.
I am certain that people have been given distorted information on codependency, either in favor of or against it.
The author cites Melody Beattie’s book “Codependent No More” in multiple places but the information cited is incomplete and I believe, creates a misleading view of the message of the book. The article’s focus is that the term codependent is used to dissuade people from giving love and support to an addicted person in their darkest moments when they need love and support the most. That message is contrary to the true definition of Codependency. The author is right in saying that we all have a need for dependence on others. That much is true!
Is My Relationship Codependent?
The motivation behind acts of kindness, love, and generosity cannot be fear.
Being codependent is not the same as being interdependent or having a healthy dependence in relationships. We are complex creatures who thrive in safe communities, not in isolation. Healthy dependence includes things like, a mutual dependence on one another, not a singular one. It includes multiple safe and supportive relationships where each person feels secure enough in the relationship to address conflict without a deep fear of rejection or abandonment rising to the surface, to cheer each other on, to say “no” when needed, and to not question our self-worth or compromise our self-esteem when we ourselves are told “no.” It looks like sharing responsibilities and burdens, not rescuing and caretaking for another person to distract from our personal feelings of inadequacy. The motivation behind acts of kindness, love, and generosity cannot be fear. For then, they are not really loving, generous, or kind after all. They are attempts at controlling another person, attempts to manipulate someone into staying, and acts of desperation to change the mind of a person whose mind is not fully their own while in active addiction.
How to Break Codependency
A person who knows their own needs and limitations is able to give and love generously in the most authentic way.
Brene Brown states that a person who knows their own needs and limitations is able to give and love generously in the most authentic way. This is because there are no underlying resentments, no unrealistic expectations of what they’ll get in return because that person’s needs are already being met. They are not “loving” someone else in order to receive love. To break codependency patterns is to learn how to love and respect yourself. If you learn how to love yourself then you’ll be much more fit to truly love someone else. If the thought of figuring out how to break codependency from your relationship makes you anxious you are not alone. Anxiety and codependency are frequently experienced together.
Have there been or will there be times when it is appropriate to leave a loved one in jail or refuse to let them back in your home? Yes. It is a shameful lie to tell ourselves that we have the power to somehow figure out how to control the outcome of addiction in someone’s life.
I could go on. My hope in responding to this piece is to shine a light on the reality that there are nuances and complexities to all of us and a misdirected attempt at creating alarmism and “canceling” the term Codependency isn’t helping anyone. If you have anxiety, fears, or questions about Codependency then I encourage you to seek out a therapist who specializes on the subject where you live.
Katie is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Georgia. She provides in person therapy at her Marietta office and provides virtual sessions for the entire state of Georgia. She enjoys helping people learn how to love others well while still honoring their own personal needs. If you are interested in treatment for Codependency then call or email Katie today!
Disclaimer: This is in no way a replacement for a therapeutic relationship or mental health services. This is for educational purposes only and should be in used only in conjunction in working with a licensed mental health professional. If you would like help working towards a healthy dependence in your relationships I can help. Click here to schedule an appointment.
Anxiety and Co-Dependency: Am I Co-Dependent?
What’s the difference? : Counter-dependence, Interdependence, and Codependence
When I speak about codependency people sometimes will respond by saying, “Well aren’t we all a little dependent on others?” The answer to that is yes! You really can’t have intimate or close relationships without some level of dependency. The challenge lies in knowing the difference between healthy and unhealthy dependence.
What is Dependency?
Dependency can be defined as the degree to which a person relies on another person as a source of support, acceptance, value, and connection. As humans, we are social creatures, intended to thrive in a community of mutually beneficial, agreed upon, and a trusted balance of give and take with others. Too much or too little results in stunted growth, allowing room for dysfunction to grow.
Triggers for Codependency
Codependency is a form of relational dysfunction developed as a coping technique when a person’s need for love and acceptance repeatedly go unmet. The development begins for may people in childhood when our sense of self-worth, autonomy, and identity are developing. We create meaning out of our day to day interactions with others in our families and in our social settings. Codependency occurs when the meaning we make of our value sounds like, “my needs don’t matter” or “I am only valuable because of what I can do for someone else.”
The Dependency Spectrum
Counter-Dependencey
I like to think about dependency as if it’s on a spectrum because like so many of life’s issues, it isn’t “all or nothing” or “black or white.” There is a lot of “gray area” because we are unique people with unique environments and circumstances. Well + Good has a great article on Addiction as a spectrum and I believe so much of the reasoning for thinking of addiction as a spectrum applies to Dependency as well. There are three pillars on this dependency spectrum. On the far left you have what’s called “Counter-Dependence.” This looks like a lack of desire or need to rely on other people. Self-sufficiency at its strongest!
Counter-dependence can be defined as a fear of intimacy. Janae and Barry Weinhold actually phrase it as a “flight from intimacy.”
Examples of Counterdependency
Difficulty being close to others
A strong need to be right—all the time
Self-centered and egotistical
A resistance or refusal to ask for help
Expects perfection in self and others
Extreme discomfort appearing weak or vulnerable
Has difficulty relaxing and is addicted to activities like work or exercise.
Many times couples will present with one person being counter-dependent and the other being co-dependent.
Inter-Dependencey
In the middle of the spectrum is Interdependence. This is the sweet spot of dependence. A shared dependency with another person that is mutual in give and take in the relationship.
Interdependence is the most desired or most healthy form of dependency. This can be defined as two people relying on each other in equal measure to meet one another’s needs in an appropriate and meaningful way.
Examples of Interdependency
Both people are emotionally available to connect authentically and vulnerably without an expectation that the other “fix” the problem or be responsible to change their feelings.
Any and all emotions are allowed in the relationship.
Both people share in equally divided responsibilities. One person does not carry the majority of the physical or emotional work load in order to keep the other person happy or prevent them from leaving.
Both people have autonomy in the relationship. Two individuals still exist and are allowed to spend time with friends, family, and hobbies or interests outside of the relationship without the other person immediately fearing abandonment.
Co-Dependencey
Lastly, on the far right we have Codependencey. This looks like an over reliance on someone else OR being the enabler or caretaker to someone in an unbalanced way that is rooted in relational dysfunction.
To the codependent person, straying from the norm, introducing new ideas, relationships, or interests can stir up a storm of fears and insecurities that are often times irrational and not based on reality. My Therapy for Codependency page shares more on how therapy can improve your life.
Anxiety and Co-Dependency
Is codependency a symptom of anxiety?
Let’s start at the beginning, with our most basic need. We are all predisposed towards survival and learn to adapt to our environments in ways that increase our chances of survival. Our bodies and minds are capable of amazing things when it comes to survival. Think for a moment with me about your body’s “Fight or Flight” response.
Imagine you are hiking on a mountain trail. You’re alone and hear the gentle rustle of the wind through the leaves of the trees around you and feel the crunch of dirt and rocks beneath your feet as you walk. You take a deep breath of the clean mountain air and feel your lungs expand. Suddenly, there’s an unexpected noise. In a matter of seconds your body kicks into survival mode without you telling it to do anything. You feel your heart beat faster, your peripheral vision increases as you scan all around you to see what made the noise. You feel hot and may start to perspire. Is it a bear or a mountain lion? All of these things are happening to prepare you to either run for your life or to stay planted and fight for it. Thankfully, when you turn around, you see it’s a deer who looks to be just as scared as you are in that moment. The deer bolts away and your nervous system begins to calm down. You can thank your body for doing its job to try and keep you safe.
Despite it’s intricacies, our nervous system cannot tell the difference between a real threat and a perceived one. A physical threat or an emotional threat. A threat of bodily harm or a threat of relational rejection. So along the way, we develop coping strategies for these threats that arise.
In codependency, anxiety is a very common symptom. Anxiety grows and festers because of the persistent worry or obsessing a person with codependency engages in. Our minds continually ruminate on and attempt to find ways to “fix”, control, or “survive” the source of the anxiety. The source is the person or people you are codependent on. Internally, there is a hyper-vigilance (cue fight or flight response) where you are constantly checking to determine if you are secure based on wether or not they are in a good mood, having a good day, or are giving you the affirmation or validation you crave.
The anxiety and worry obsession is so intense at times that regular or mundane activities like watching a TV show or cleaning the kitchen cannot be completed.
The obsession won’t allow it. This is a fruitless cycle. No matter how much worrying or obsessing you do to attempt to “problem solve” the solution is almost never in your control. You are clinging on for dear life to the very thing that is making your life miserable. Rather than controlling, you are being controlled. Ultimately there is one end goal. “Don’t leave me.” Constant efforts to avoid abandonment or rejection are indeed anxiety inducing!
Codependency and People Pleasing can often go hand in hand. People pleasing is a more well known form of Codependency. A People Pleaser has little to no boundaries and the word “No” is generally not part of their vocabulary. If you have a need they will meet it. Keeping other people happy with them is confirmation that they are well liked and therefore have value. A Psych Central article gives a great example of what people pleasing can look like in a romantic relationship.
A codependent person may take up the role of the hero or “fixer” in the family to secure their value and necessity or they make take up the role of the lost child or ever needy victim by constantly reminding you that they exist and aim to please you in order to ease anxiety or fear of abandonment.
There is a scene in the 2002 film, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, where the main character, Toula, is trying to gain her father’s permission and approval to take a business class at the local community college. Toula is 30 years old, unmarried, and living at home with her parents.
In her family it is customary for unmarried daughters to live at home with their parents and work for the family business until they find a spouse. Toula decides that she wants to pursue some dreams that are unconventional to her family, one of which is taking a business class. Her father’s response is one of my favorite lines in the movie because in just a couple of sentences, their entire relational dynamic is summed up.
After Toula presents her idea to take the business class as a way to benefit the family restaurant her father immediately responds by saying, “Why you want to leave me!?” and Toula, totally exasperated, replies, “I’m not leaving you! Don’t you want me to do something with my life!?”
3 Ways to Stop Codependency Anxiety
At this point you may be asking how to end the cycle of anxiety producing obsession. Often times people wait until they are in the middle of a crisis before seeking out counseling for Codependency. Verywellmind.com reminds of the importance of being patient and kind with yourself as you embark on your journey to heal from Codependency.
Here are 3 ways to stop anxiety due to codependency.
HEALTHY DETACHMENT
A common saying in Al-anon is to “detach in love.” This can include mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically detaching from someone. Healthy detachment is essentially choosing to detach from another person’s responsibilities. Tangibly this might mean you choose to detach by no longer enabling a person through paying a bill for them when they refuse to work, or completing chores for someone in your home when they could be doing it themselves. Emotionally it means to detach from someone else’s feelings. You are not responsible for someone else’s feelings and another person’s feelings do not define you.
This does not mean that you stop caring about their feelings or that you don’t need to worry about being kind but rather that you don’t walk around wearing their feelings like they belong to you too. This means that you don’t make choices to let your own needs go unmet because you don’t want the other person to experience negative feelings. Feelings are information and a useful tool for growth. If I cannot physically feel my skin burn when I touch a hot stove then I am in danger of really damaging my body. If someone interferes with my negative feelings by rescuing me from them then I cannot learn from the experience and I won’t develop healthy skills and resilience for coping with negative emotions.
In the famous words of Ted Lasso, “Be curious, not judgmental.”
BE CURIOUS AND INVESTIGATIVE
Use the energy and thinking power you have to begin responding rather than reacting to your feelings and circumstances. One of my favorite phrases to use when helping people sort through their flood of feelings is, “Your feelings are always valid but they don’t always tell you the truth.” Tell yourself that you are not going to jump to conclusions but you are going to allow yourself to examine and investigate your feelings before you automatically assign meaning to them. A great way to begin practicing this is to make these questions the first part of your response to the anxiety or fear that stirs up so quickly. Question 1: “I wonder why I am feeling so anxious?” Question 2: “What are the facts and what are my thoughts?” Chose to be curious before you come to any hard conclusions. Here’s an example:
You send a text message to a family member and they don’t respond until the next day. You usually get a response within a few minutes to an hour. The later it gets in the day the more anxious you begin to feel and the obsessing thoughts grow. You begin to rehash your last conversation with them. Did you do or say something to make them angry? You find a reason to send another text that doesn’t sound pushy but will hopefully elicit a response this time. Still crickets. Now you’re REALLY starting to worry and obsess. The assumptions and theories start to swirl in your mind.
Now is the time to try a different approach. You ask yourself the first question…Why is this making me so anxious?? Let’s review, I feel worried and anxious because I normally would have heard back from them by now. I am worried that they are mad at me and are ignoring me. Now, the second question. The facts are that I don’t know why they haven’t text me back yet. The facts are that this is really upsetting me right now but I can acknowledge that it’s possible that their reason for not texting me back yet could have absolutely nothing to do with me.
It is very important to acknowledge all of the thoughts and feelings that come up for you because trying to avoid them or ignore them won’t make them go away. Acknowledge and validate your experience and leave room for other possibilities!
INVITE HEATHY SUPPORT AND ACCOUTABILITY
We cannot grow in isolation. We need healthy others to reflect back our words, thoughts, and feelings to stay connected to reality. Seeking out therapy or joining a support group are great ways to get the healthy connections that you need to begin eliminating unnecessary anxiety and codependency from your life.
Dependent Personality Disorder
GoodTherapy.org notes that Codependency by itself does not qualify as a mental health diagnosis because the traits are broadly applied. However, an individual may meet the criteria for Dependent Personality Disorder. DPD is defined by the DSM-5 as, “An excessive and pervasive need to be taken care of, submissive, clinging, needy behavior due to fear of abandonment. This may display itself in one or more of the following ways:
Difficulty making routine decisions without input, reassurance, and advice from others.
Requires others to assume responsibilities which they should be attending to.
Fear of disagreeing with others and risking disapproval.
Difficulty starting projects without support from others.
Excessive need to obtain nurturance and support from others, even allowing other to impose themselves rather than risk rejection or disapproval.
Feels vulnerable and helpless when alone.
Desperately seeks another relationship when one ends.
Unrealistic preoccupation with being left alone and unable to care for themselves.
According to the DSM-5, the onset of DPD usually occurs in adolescence to late 20’s. It is also usually more prevalent in women than in men.
It is important to remember that you should not attempt to self-diagnose or diagnose others. If you find yourself identifying with these traits, reach out to a mental health professional for help.
About Katie Luman, LPC
Katie is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Georgia. She provides in person therapy at her Marietta office and provides virtual sessions for the entire state of Georgia. She enjoys helping people learn how to love others well while still honoring their own personal needs. If you are interested in treatment for Codependency then call or email Katie today!
Disclaimer: This is in no way a replacement for a therapeutic relationship or mental health services. This is for educational purposes only and should be in used only in conjunction in working with a licensed mental health professional. If you would like help working towards a healthy dependence in your relationships I can help. Click here to schedule an appointment.